Update on “I Don’t Know What to Say or Do When Someone Dies”
OMG, with the great response from my last blog, I am compelled to provide an update. Several did not post their comments on my website, but sent me an email instead. And with their permission, I compiled their comments to share with you.
Reading your recent blog on funerals and how to show sympathy made me reflect on my Irish Catholic faith and traditions. We celebrate with a beautiful Mass, a rosary the night before, and a wake of 1-5 days. It's a happy celebration, though bittersweet, of storytelling, laughter, weeping, but a true celebration of life. We haven't lost the person at all. Really, as he/she is not lost/ Rather, the deceased has begun a new adventure, and we are closer to her or him...This may seem odd to some, but it's a natural way of believing in something greater than ourselves/ Patty
Hi Susan. Thank you for your latest news post. Very timely, informative, and helpful, as you can tell when it inspires others to respond. I appreciate reading it today!! Hugs and best wishes, Betty
I just read your blog; very nice. You could add one line. It's what Jewish people say: "May his (her) memory be a blessing." Earl
We appreciated your blog today. Many are stymied about how to handle grief. The hardest one for many is dealing with the suicide of a loved one. That one needs special attention.
Timely. We just lost a good friend in AZ and have 3 dear friends (Illinois, AZ & NM) who are currently fighting for their lives. Thanks. Jim & Kally
I truly wish that Death and Dying would not be such an uncomfortable topic. The hardest part for me is watching a loved one suffer with pain and anxiety in their final days, weeks and even months or longer. I want to add just a few more topics I neglected to add in my last blog. Remember there are volumes of books and online ways to learn about this subject. I am just touching a few highlights.
Hospice is a wonderful program to assist the loved one and their family and friends to cope with the final with the ability to control pain and anxiety.
Sometimes if you don’t know what to say when visiting, just being present, bring food to share or merely a holding a hand goes farther than you know.
One neighbor brought a small stuffed felt heart. The husband of the deceased was extremely touched by this small gesture.
I was remiss in not mentioning the cultural differences in dealing with death and dying (I did update my last post regarding this topic). Whether Pacific Islander, East Indian, European, Native American, or whatever the origin, do your homework by reading online, talk to people who know them well and learn how to respect their customs.
I must list the three types of deaths creating the most challenges for us all are:
Death of an infant or young child
Sudden death resulting from an accident
Death from suicide.
Often guilt-ridden or unresolved feelings linger for the survivors.
So what do you do or say? Please go back to the tips I have mentioned in this and the last blog. They all still apply. Just be there for the survivors in whatever capacity you feel comfortable. Timing regarding these events is more critical. Go with your gut. But a card is never invasive and can be opened when they are ready.
Birth and Death are part of our life cycle. Prepare for a predictable death (such as a terminal illness) just was we do for a birth. If we took 9 months to prepare for death(this would not apply to the last bullet above), all of us would move better in the world of the inevitable. Even if we don’t have a terminal diagnosis, prepare your will, your advance directives, your end of life wishes, etc. Unburden your survivors by doing your preparation. They will thank you.
Susan E. Greisen 