This is an issue greater than I knew. Over the recent years, I have experienced the death of several people close to me. Most recently, two of my friends unexpectedly lost their children, who were in their 40s. Some individuals around me were at a loss for what to do or say.
Fortunately, I was modeled this well in my farm community in Nebraska in the 60s. We immediately attended the Catholic wake and funeral. We contributed to the family by meeting their needs. As a trained nurse who had worked in hospice care, I was familiar with speaking of death and talking with the survivors. This is not the case for everyone.
Reasons Why:
Today, with the loss of most nuclear families and close-knit communities, it is more difficult to reach out to people we don’t know well. Some people are very private. Many of us were not taught how to deal with grief and death when we were young. Some of us may still have unresolved grief over a loved one. Also, not having dealt with our own mortality can play a role. There can be many other reasons.
Action tips and gestures I have used that are unlikely to breach confidentiality or privacy.
- Send a card.
- In that card, you may use a religious notation only if it is appropriate for that survivor. The card should not reflect only your religious beliefs. For example, don’t say, “God will guide you,” if the survivors are atheists.
- You can never go wrong by avoiding a religious notation by saying, “I wish you strength and guidance during this difficult time.”
- Many bereavement cards have beautiful messages, and there is no need to write something personal. But if you can, it would mean much to the survivor.
- Send flowers if appropriate or donate to a special cause if known.
- Many funeral home obituary websites list these options.
- If you are close to the survivor, call and leave a message on their phone. Offer your support: food, gardening, shopping, etc.
- Ask if they’d like a visit. The timing of this will depend on how close you are to the survivor and/or who is with them at the time.
- Write a note to the survivors on the funeral home obituary website. State your relationship to the deceased if they don’t know you well.
Do I attend the Funeral? I know of a man who did not attend the funeral of his father’s brother. The service was in another city 60 miles away, and he didn’t attend because he didn’t know the brother. I can only give my opinion here. I believe that funerals are for the living, to support the survivors during their time of grief. Some religions also believe the spirit of the deceased is present and that your presence honors them. Attending is up to you.
Distance can be a factor. Some funerals are broadcast by video. I have attended two of these across the nation. I signed in and left a personal message so they would know I attended. The survivors were very appreciative.
Why I Write to You Today:
It was during my personal visit with the survivors who had recently lost their daughter that they said they appreciated my visit and card. And they noticed some people just stayed away because they didn’t know what to do or say. Their pain and grief were apparent, and they were in need of support.
Don’t be afraid to reach out; survivors may need your card or contact more than you know.
Do what feels right to you.
If any of these gestures or tips mean something to you or you think of others, please comment below. We need to learn from each other. All of these actions can help the survivor/s process their grief.
Susan E. Greisen 