(Disclaimer: this is the sole experience and research of the author)
The experiences of my recent trip to India are still swirling in my mind. I have shared one story many times about a small middle-class village of about 500 people we visited on our tour. The titles of my last two blogs, “Take A New Look at India” and “I Know Nothing About India,” say it all. India is changing rapidly. Arranged marriages still occur, but with a new twist. Some young women and men now have a say in whether they approve of the selected partner.
Four young women, aged 20-22, were eager to speak with us tourists, a small group of American men and women (ages ranging from their 50s to their 80s). These four village women have all attended college, and only one has an arranged marriage pending. She was still deciding on the selected partner. That particular woman was willing to live in a small village and start a family; the other 3 were still uncertain.
After quizzing the tourists, they soon learned that three of us women were childless, two of our group had been divorced twice, three of us had been divorced once, three women had never been married, and only one couple was in their first marriage. The raised eyebrows on the village woman’s faces said it all. So what happened, they wondered? (Data in America reveals a 50% divorce rate among couples who often have full freedom to choose their partners.)
An arranged marriage is often the choice of the man and woman’s families. This Indian couple we spoke with, from an arranged marriage, explained the complex issues, but they did learn to love each other, a common thought among others throughout India. This is certainly not how we choose a partner in America. LOVE should be the deciding factor. Right?
Internet research shows India’s divorce rate—just 1% to 1.3%—is often cited as one of the lowest in the world. But that number doesn’t tell the whole story. In cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Bengaluru, and Pune, divorce filings have jumped 30% to 40% over the past decade. What’s driving the shift? Changing social norms, education, financial independence for women, and a growing refusal to stay in unhappy or abusive marriages. While the national rate remains low, it can mask a harder truth: many women’s contentment and well-being are still overlooked. Divorce, though uncommon in the rural areas, is legal—and for some, it’s a vital path to safety and autonomy.
Tina Turner’s song “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” It’s just a second-hand emotion, so the song goes. This is a really good question. Back 50 years ago in America, some of us sought our parents’ approval or support for our chosen partner. Some families still abide by that, but with nuclear and close-knit families in decline, so is this tradition. Some of the parents are not in healthy marriages OR are divorced, and the couple about to marry is not likely to take their parents’ advice.
Can LOVE to a strange partner be learned, and can it be successful? India is certainly a good test case. In the small villages, some of these traditions are not to be broken, yet in the village we visited, we found a new tolerance for change: educating women is not forbidden, and giving women and men a say in their partner choices is a relatively new development in this ancient culture of India.
(*name changed to protect privacy)
These four young women are on the precipice of a rapid change in India. Here is a photo of *Shikha (~20) and her mother (~38). Shikha’s mother was in an arranged marriage at age 11, and Shikha has no prospective husband at 20. This photo demonstrates a change that has happened within one generation. I’d love to stay and do research on this phenomenon. How will life turn out for these four young, brave women who are breaking the mold of a deep custom of India?
India confirmed my belief: Marriage is more about commitment and hard work even if LOVE is there at the beginning of the relationship. But just as important is the foundation of the partner’s family, which is crucial to a marriage’s success. Something we don’t always take into account in the US, since these families don’t always live nearby in our mobile society.
I loved my experience in India. An amazing place and people.
If you want to learn more about India’s current social change in arranged marriages, check out the Netflix series called Indian Matchmaking. Must have Netflix to view.
How much do you think LOVE is paramount in a marriage? Let me hear your comments below about whatever is on your mind about this blog……
Susan E. Greisen 